Advice: Clueless about my wedding night

Dear Love InshAllah:

I am a virgin, and I really don’t know what to expect come wedding night. I’m definitely excited (one of the greatest understatements of all-time lol), but I am just so utterly clueless as to what I should do to blow the mind of my wife-to-be!

I’ve never kissed a girl let alone done anything to have had any experience whatsoever in the female-pleasuring department. I have never dated. I don’t watch pornography or anything like that, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so given that it’s haraam. But I am at a total loss as to what I should do once my wife and I are alone.

I promise I’m not a lonely creep who lives in a cave. I just had good parents who raised me religiously since I was young. Promise 🙂

I have a great relationship with my parents, but I am too shy to even ask my own friends for advice on this issue let alone people like my mom and dad! So I’d really appreciate it if you could give me like a list of things that I should and/or from the moment we are alone to the “main event” itself. Are there any common things that most girls like? Things that, perhaps, they’d be too shy to mention directly? Also, are there any things I should know not to do or say? Misconceptions about girls and their sexuality, etc.? Any reading material you’d advise?

Clueless about my wedding night

Ms. Sunshine replies:

“When you intend to have sex with your wife, do not rush because the woman has needs.” — Ali ibn Abi Talib (as)

This is your first time, dear one; don’t expect to blow her mind because there is a 99% chance that you won’t. That’s okay.  Whether you’re her first partner or her 100th, this is her first time with you. Enjoy getting to know one another. Explore one another’s bodies and minds together until you find all the many ways your unique body pleases hers and vice versa.

Sex is sensual. Use your senses.

Listen:  Ask a lot of questions.  Don’t worry if your voice quivers, nervousness can be endearing. She’s probably a little nervous too.  Can I touch you here? Can I kiss you there? Will you touch me here? Does that feel good? Was that okay? No matter how excited you are, you will both enjoy the experience more if you frequently check in with one another.  Ask, ask, ask until she asks you to stop asking.

Watch:  Passion can render us speechless, but the body has its own language. Watch her body. Does she move toward you when you do something? Do more. Does she tense and move away, even slightly, when you do something else? Don’t do that.  A mind-blowing lover is an observant lover, paying careful attention to how his or her partner responds to his or her body.

Touch: Be gentle. Apply pressure, friction, and other kinds of touch in degrees. If your wife is also sexually inexperienced, things that she may later find pleasurable might be painful in the beginning. In order for a woman to enjoy sex, she needs to be aroused. The process of being aroused enough to enjoy manipulation of the clitoris or entrance into the vagina involves both physical and psychological components.  Plenty of flirting before the wedding night, and playful touch during, are important.

Taste:  Bring sweets to the nuptial suite. Feed your bride from your hands. Eat from hers, if she’ll allow. Feeding another person is one of the most basic and intimate acts of human kindness. It’s a less threatening way to get used to touching one another.

Scent:  Good hygiene is hot. While you’re likely to be expertly groomed for the big day, by the time the festivities are over you may require some freshening before the big night.  Make sure you’re clean, fresh-breathed and smelling good. Scent can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Ask her if she has a favorite scent. Maybe have her go to the mall and make a short list of men’s fragrances she likes. Then find one that you also like, and wear a little of it on your wedding night.

Good Sense:  Don’t expect your wedding night to be the night you first have intercourse.  The process of becoming aroused enough for enjoyable intercourse may take a while. Your first night together might include a lot of foreplay, maybe even orgasms for each of you, but that won’t necessarily mean your wife is ready for intercourse.  If your wife is very nervous or afraid–regardless of her previous experience– you may find intercourse difficult or impossible. Do not force the issue.  If she is not lubricated (wet) enough, intercourse can be anything from painful to damaging to impossible.  Enter only when she’s expressed clear, verbal permission that she is ready. Even then, be slow, controlled and gentle.

There is a lot of information about sex out there, although unfortunately, a lot of it assumes that you have experience. While its target audience is teenagers, Scarleteen is an excellent resource for information on all things sex. I highly recommend you begin with this sex and pleasure 101 post and work your way around the site according to your interests and curiosity.

With love and prayers for a blessed marriage.

Shy Desi Boy replies:

Many congrats to you “Clueless about my wedding night” – I wish you and your wife all the happiness and blessings.

I fully understand and empathize with your nervousness and I salute you for admitting this. That is such an important, critical step. Most guys cover up their nervousness with machismo and as a result fail to be as compassionate as they should be to their spouse. So the fact that you are asking if there is anything you should/should not do means that you already are being mindful of your partner’s feelings.

Weddings are often stressful, exhausting affairs. Your wedding might be the last of a multi-night celebration. This may not be taxing physically or emotionally on you but for the bride, it can be grueling. A wedding may also be a moment of sadness—yes you are embarking on a beautiful, sacred journey but if this is the first time your spouse has ever lived away from her parents she might be feeling a mixture of conflicting emotions.

When I got married (I am divorced now), we were both too tired to have sex on wedding night. So we spent the evening praying for people who asked us to pray for them, especially those who were not married but very much wanted to find a partner. We actually ended up not having sex until perhaps a week into our marriage because we spent the first week of our marriage just getting to know what pleased the other person.

But if you both have the energy, here are my thoughts:

First, be prepared. Your spouse may already be on birth control, but please do bring condoms just in case. Consider trying on the condoms in advance so that on the wedding night you have a sense of how to open a condom packet, how to put it on, and what size of condom you require.  Even if you know she is on birth control, she might feel more comfortable the first time if you use a condom too. Also buy a bottle of lubricant—I prefer any lubricant that is water-based, like Good Clean Love’s Almost Naked. If you do have sex, consider applying this on yourself and your partner’s genitals, especially if either of you are dry. Again, this might not be the right thing for you but it is always good to have extra supplies nearby to be comfortable. Oh, and lubricants can be  a bit sticky so do have Kleenex nearby the bed.

Second, go very, very slow. I recommend you begin by massaging your wife. A massage is a great way to learn where your wife likes to be touched—and where you like to be touched too. Youtube is a great place to learn massage techniques and because Youtube blocks explicit images, most of the content is quite halal to view.

Third, communicate. When something feels good, say it. Give positive feedback. If something hurts, tell her but say it very gently. This is about exploring and any exploration often involves, uh, wrong turns.

Fourth, if your massage does lead to intercourse (as many good massages do between couples), then do not be shy about experimenting with different positions. She might be more comfortable with her on top or perhaps both of you laying side to side.

Fifth, think about your own pleasures. This is the one thing that has taken me a long time to realize. When I used to have sex, I kept worrying and thinking about what would make my partner happy and I never thought to ask myself what pleases me. But I am getting better and my sex life is much richer and mutually satisfactory because I now have the confidence to express what pleases me.

Sixth, and perhaps most important, do not be surprised if sex is not what you expected. That is ok. It will get better, inshAllah.

The goal your first time being intimate is to make your wife feel comfortable, to make yourself comfortable, and to build a foundation of trust that will continue to grow. Wishing you my best.

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20 Comments on “Advice: Clueless about my wedding night”

  1. Julie says:

    Congratulations to you both. There is some great advice with previous comments. You’ll both be nervous, and both likely not know what to expect. You’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other and won’t need to put expectations on your first night together. Just remember to be receptive to her and be gentle. It’s always likely on the first night that you will not be together in that way. You can just hold each other. Have a happy life together.

  2. I am very impressed with the sincere and compassionate responses to this post. As a licensed massage therapist, I agree whole heartedly with the comments about massaging each other. It can be every bit as enjoyable as sex, — which need not happen that night. Take it slow. Just enjoy each other’s company. Everything will happen when it should.

  3. anonymous says:

    Wow these are great responses to a very delicate question!
    I agree that it can be a good idea to not plan on actually having sex the first night…I had not been sexually active before I got married, and I was quite nervous about it, but my husband and I discussed it and agreed to not plan on sex the first night. Instead we just kissed and cuddled and took a bath together. It was good to enjoy being sexy and romantic without all the pressure. Talking about our expectations for the timing in advance also made me feel a lot more comfortable and relaxed, that might be true for your fiancee too if it’s not too awkward a topic for discussion.

  4. Reblogged this on PostModern Muslima and commented:
    Great advice on wedding night, um, interactions for Muslims.

  5. Clueless about my wedding night says:

    Thank you so much!!! I read through the answers and was blown away by the thoroughness and helpfulness of it all. It really does help, and I greatly appreciate you all taking the time and effort to so eloquently and effectively answer my questions!

    Words alone cannot express my gratitude. Thank you so much.

  6. JC says:

    Dear Clueless, Mabrook on this happy occasion!
    All of the replies here are excellent. But if there’s one message to take home from them it’s this:

    Don’t expect anything to happen (i.e. sex). In fact, don’t even plan on it (other than having a condom available in your bag). Don’t make a big deal of the fact that it’s your wedding night. The whole “first night” business is just a big fantasy.

    At my wedding, we left the hall after 11pm, had a 5 hour drive home with my parents (go to see the Northern Lights), and had an early plane to catch for the honeymoon. We had about 3 hours at our apartment that night. Trust me… it’s completely okay to not have sex that first night.

    Secondly, your goal should first to both reach a certain comfort level. All our lives, we have guarded our bodies, protected our A’ura, but this is the one person in the world who you do not have to protect your A’ura from. But it takes time to get used to that concept for you AND her. You can start with simply being close – you haven’t likely been physically close to a woman either, so hug, kiss, touch. Go as far as either of you is willing to go. And none of this has to be on the first night.

    Eventually, you’ll be ready to take it to the next step. Neither of you have likely either BEEN naked in the presence of another person (other than perhaps your doctor), or seen a person of the opposite gender naked in your own private room. So you’ll have to first get used to the idea of being naked. There are two ways to deal with this – slowly, or quick. Slowly works well to build the closeness and passion, particularly if you each take turns removing individual articles of clothing. Fast works in the same way as taking off a bandaid on a hairy arm – it may burn a little at first, but you relax very quickly. Do what your heart tells you. Better yet, ASK HER.

    Communication – particularly in the areas of intimacy – is a critical part of your new and growing relationship.

    As your comfort level with each other grows, then you should start exploring each other’s bodies, your likes, dislikes, etc. But make sure you talk to each other throughout. Make sure you continue and maintain this intimate level of communication during your entire marriage.

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  8. […] ‘technical’ questions, as many may be too shy to approach a family member or friend. The site Love Insha’Allah does have a Q&A section with regards to intimacy with answers from men and women, as do many […]

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  10. Adam says:

    Try not to expect anything. In fact if I had been intimate on my wedding night I think it would have ruined the entire night, my spouse agrees with me. Even though we were really excited and wanted to be intimate we were nervous too. Intimacy for the first time can be painful for both, stressful for both…and don’t be surprised if she starts crying due to the pain or feeling as if she “let you down”.
    Start with holding her hand, the thing my spouse loved the most was when I asked if I could kiss her on the lips, it was a small peck and that was that.. but it opened the door to more types of intimacy later that night. We hugged a lot, kissed a lot, and just allowed the rest to follow even though intimacy could not be done that day.
    Offer to take a bath together if you are in a hotel suite, you don’t have to get completely naked, but it’s a nice way to relax, explore one another and just have fun. Make it about having fun, do not rush into sex seeing that as the goal. The goal is to being to build your relationship in a loving trusting manner. Let her know if she feels nervous that’s okay, you can wait. If you feel nervous don’t force yourself just yet.
    Let the intimacy come naturally and you will help her build a better relationship with being with you inshallah. Let her know she is beautiful, that she is in control just as much as you are, that she and her feelings matter. Communicate, it may feel awkward but after wards each time for the first few times, and even later on, ask her what she liked, what she didn’t like, what she would like you to do again. Let her know she should ask you to do certain things and be eager to please and vice versa.

  11. love this post and love the answers. true love is respect and honor..not lust and carnal desires. May Allah(swt) reward those who think of Him(swt) first in ALL they do.

    I am in love with the love and respect and honor for both spouse. I am reveling in the fact that I am not alone in my fear of intimacy or don’t it wrong when I walk down the road of remarriage (having been married for 11 years).

    May Allah(swt) reward the believers.

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  13. Sara says:

    if a woman doesn’t know the man at all or what that person is like (if she never conversed with him before their marriage), would it be wrong to tell the guy that she doesn’t want to have sex on the wedding night because she doesn’t love him? Why would you have sex with someone whom you don’t even like? I believe marriage is about love. Love comes first, then comes sex or that’s how it should be like in an arriange marriage, but unfortunately, it’s always abotu “satisfing your husband”! Well, what about the wife?! what if she doesn’t want to sleep with the man.. what if she wants to get to know him better, then she will have sex? Pls advise. Thanks

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  15. Anon says:

    Amazing response and advise Ma’Shaa’Allah! You have changed my thinking and interpretation. I have a few questions please 🙂
    1. Would she feel offended if we didn’t have sex on the first night?
    2. What’s the best way to have sex if you are going to stay at your parents house for the first 2 years? Like it would be slightly awkward – if we didn’t go to a hotel or anywhere
    3. When we do come to have sex, what happens if the husband ejaculates quickly as in they didn’t have enough time to enjoy the intercourse?
    4. Also do you have any tips as to what to try and do on the night?
    5. What about if they’re nervous of getting pregnant? are condoms allowed

  16. […] years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had […]

  17. […] years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had […]

  18. […] years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had […]