Advice: Lonely with a high sex drive
Posted: March 28, 2013 Filed under: Sex & The Ummah | Tags: advice, advice column, Love InshAllah, masturbation, Ms. Sunshine, Muslim love, Muslim men, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, Shy Desi Boy 29 CommentsDear Love InshAllah,
I am a single virgin woman in my late twenties who has always had a high sex drive. I have been in healthy relationships in the past. I am generally happy and confident with myself and have developed an understanding of my sexual preferences.
But unless I’m busy and content with life (which is not often!) I am often preoccupied with sex. I masturbate regularly and have learned to respect and love my sexuality, but I feel very unfulfilled. I am not open to having sex before marriage, and I don’t think I’m getting married anytime soon. So for the time being, I feel like I am sexually stunted. I think my physical craving keeps me from focusing on my job or enjoying the good the things I have in life.
If you have any advice for how to cope with this situation, I would greatly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Lonely with a high sex drive
Ms. Sunshine responds:
Masturbation can be a safe way to both satisfy your desires and learn your own body well enough to direct a lover when the time comes. Good on ya’, girl.
The desire for the warmth of another’s flesh against your own and the hormone-high inducing magic of sex can powerful. When it starts to feel overpowering, though, it’s time to reconsider your options. You could simply keep doing what you’re doing, perhaps include new toys in your solo sex life. While I’ve often found these things to exacerbate the problem, some find distractions like fasting, exercise and throwing yourself into other activities to be helpful. If contracting a marriage is really not something that interests you at the moment, then maybe you need to consider another type of contract.
Maybe it’s time to consider introducing a new practice in your life–mut’a. Much like masturbation, the practice of contracting a sexual relationship with someone for a pre-agreed upon amount of time is the subject of great controversy. It’s generally only accepted as permissible by Shi’a, but the argument for its permissibility is solidly based in Qur’an and hadith. If what’s holding you back from enjoying sex is observation of prohibitions against sex outside of a contracted relationship, then this is an option you should seriously consider.
Shy Desi Boy responds:
Thank you for your refreshingly honest letter and for admitting your pre-occupation with sex. Many Muslims, even when they write anonymously, often try to project an austere image of themselves and I appreciate you saying—for example—that you “masturbate regularly.”
The best intimacy I have experienced with a woman is when she is, like you, “generally happy and confident with [herself] and [has] developed an understanding of sexual preferences.” This might be the best thing we can give to our partners: to understand and to love ourselves.
I respect your desire not to have sex before marriage. But if sex is something that you wish for, then my advice is to examine why you cannot imagine getting married soon. Of course marriage is not just about sex–but it is one of the beautiful parts of marriage.
As for sexual frustration, my experience is that masturbating more has only helped me marginally. I am not against masturbation—despite what Islam may say about it—but I have learned the limits of masturbation (and also the psychological damage of masturbating too much).
What has helped me most is to exercise, especially cardio intensive workouts like running, swimming, and squash. I find that when I am in good shape, I feel better about myself and my body and I am often so tired at the end of the day that I fall asleep much easier, without lying in bed for hours thinking about, well, sex. I also find that during periods of intense sexual frustration, it helps if I am keeping up my prayers (which I have to admit—I often stumble with).
—
Have a question for our columnists? Leave an anonymous query, here!
Love, InshAllah 
I don’t recommend Sunshine Girls’ advise of Muta. This is the first time I heard about it being recommended based on ‘Quran’. IIn sunni sect, this is definitely haram. If you consider muta, may as well save yourself the trouble of going to a shia imam and get yourself a ‘call-boy’. Even amongst shias, this is a practice not highly recommended and most often, you will find men doing it, not women (I know double standards, but it is what it is.)
Totally agree with Shy Desi boy – exercise is the way to go.
yes ,i agree muta is a haram thing.dont know y sunshine recommend it!if some asks for help this is not a way to disguide her/him.i was almost shocked tht she said tht muta is in Quran.dear we also know tht hell word is in quran but it doest mean the hell is respected place!
Consider that the masturbation and constant thoughts about sex, may be fueled by anxiety (especially if they are getting in the way of your enjoying the rest of your life.) I would try to seek some therapy to explore the underlying anxiety that drives your behavior and preoccupations.
Exercise helps, but if the underlying reasons are not explored, you might find yourself defaulting back into it again.
Mutaa doesn’t seem to really safeguard a woman’s rights aside from being easy prey to sexual relationships without the responsibilities that come with a long term commitment. I have had a Shia friend who was really burned by one.
Adding toys to your repertoire, also seems more of the same, none of this would lead to fulfillment and the concern would be falling into the realm of sexual addiction.
I would really seek some help to look into what your anxieties are, and seek some holistic care to bring more balance into your life, and hopefully with exercise and pursuit of other hobbies, you may meet someone to marry and with whom you can pursue a long term fulfilling body/mental/emotional/spiritual union with.
Best wishes on your healing and journey.
The practice of part-time marriage, mut’ah, is sanctioned in the Qur’an in 4:24. We have created a facebook page devoted to educating people about it. It is not a sectarian matter; shia vs sunni. I know many Sunnis who practice mut’ah. It is a God-send blessing for Muslims in our times.
I assume the verse you are referring to is:
“And [forbidden for you to marry you are] all married women other than those whom you are rightfully married to; this is God’s command, binding upon you. But lawful for you [to marry] are all [women] beyond these, for you to seek out, offering them of your possessions, taking them in honest wedlock, and not in fornication. And unto those with whom you desire to enjoy marriage, you shall give the dower/maher due to them; but you will incur no sin if, after [having agreed to the dower/maher] this lawful due, you freely agree with one another upon anything [else]. God is indeed all-knowing, wise.” (4:24)
I’m pretty sure the only allowance in there – “but you will incur no sin if… you freely agree with one another upon anything else” – refers to changing the terms of the dower/maher after marriage. This verse says nothing about engaging in temporary marriages or marriage for a set/short/defined period of time.
I’m not going to argue about shi’a notions of Mut’a. But in Sunni theology, the overwhelming consensus has been that Mut’a is *not* a practice accepted as Halal.
Wallahu A’lam
Thank you for your honesty
It’s surprising that I’ve never before seen anyone who has articulated what I feel- I suppose we all think we are the only ones
I’m the same as you- feel the same, manage it the same way
I also don’t see myself marrying soon, and I’m older than you
Mut’a is not a possibilty for me- one of the reasons I haven’t strayed is that I truly believe I don’t want to share my body with anyone except the one man who is my husband.
I don’t know what the answer is, I really really don’t.
Continue masturbation- seems the least sinful way of handling things (no pun intended).
I tell myself this is Allahs will. I tell myself that He will reward me for my patience and forgive me for my sins of behaviour.
I distract myself with work, with friends, with reading and writing and generally just living. I try hard not to let myself get bitter.
Everyday I think- this is the day I’ll meet the guy I can let touch me. If I tell the truth- one of the reasons I am not married yet is that I haven’t yet met the man who I could bear to have touch me in such a way.
Someday, someday I truly believe things will change. We will either meet the right guy or our bodies will turn off and we won’t have thee urges anymore
I am not a scholar nor do I claim to know anything much. All I do know is that the way we feel is not wrong- it’s normal. There are even Hadith talking about how women who have had “wet dreams” should purify to pray. If the prophet (pbuh) could talk about women’s sexuality in such a way, then it is hardly anathema.
All I would say is- hold on, keep going. Eventually it will get easier. I hope. I find with me that I can predict my cycle by how much I’m thinking about Sex- in a way, my body reminds me that sex is for procreation as much as anything else!!!
Keep going, and remember- if it helps- you’re not alone. There’s lots and lots of us out there- it’s just that not many of us are brave enough to talk about it the way you have
Think you again.
Likewise! Anonymous and Lonely with a High Sex Drive, I am younger than either of you and it feels so good to know that I am not alone. I hope I can provide the same comfort to you.
Lonely with a High Sex Drive, thank you for being open about this and comfortable enough to admit this. Thank you so much!
Assala mo alaykum.
I totally and vehemently disagree with marriages of of this type.it is to say the least disgusting .just imagine jumping from men to men.ALLAH forbid what type of sexually transmitted illness can be picked by this uncouth practise. This denegrates women to prostitution levels.my beloved sister try to align yourself with a spiritual person ,masturbation is probably a lesser sin, but does not diminish it at all.it is still a sin.islam has accorded women very high status and every day we women are denegrated by western thoughts and devious practices.your body is sacrosant try to to be moderate in dealing with the isssue by therapy. Counselling.as i have said before a spiritual guide has worked wonders for me personally. In sha ALLAH YOU WILL OVERCOME YOUR ISSUE
If you are not having sex before marriage, well, the option you have is the one you are currently doing. Whether you wait for marriage or whether you do not, the most important thing is to make sure you respect yourself – and that your partner respects you too. Marriage makes no difference to that – if your husband (I assume you are straight) thinks you have a higher sex drive than he does, he may resent you. And a lot of men (me included) have trouble actually having sex. So there is a lot to work out….but for now, I think the advice above is all helpful (from other people I mean). Good luck….
I find it fascinating that someone actually suggested you seek therapy for this and suggested sex addiction! Most of us are sexual beings and that’s how we got here. As women, our sexuality does not begin after marriage and those who wait, yeah, your drive, even a normal drive like yours sounds to be, will be hard go tolerate.
My own advice would be to explore why you assume you aren’t getting married anytime soon. Where there’s the Will of Allah, there’s a way. I say this as someone who has felt the same as you and remains unmarried. I hear you about not wanting to get married “just for sex,” but I think those of us who have waited until marriage for sex must realize that, necessarily, a big part of why we’re getting married, like a huge part, is for sex. Bigger than those of our peers who do not change sexual habits after marriage. So depending on how important sex is in your life, marriage is probably a priority for exactly that reason. There’s a lot of other things that I think we feel we should feel about marriage when really it’s about two attracted bodies and souls coming together and making it work afterwards…
I wish you the best!
Salaam Chinyere,
I only suggested therapy because of the seeming imbalance in her post. Her preoccupation with sex and how that is blocking her from enjoying other aspects of her life.
To seek more self awareness into our drives and habits, is not a suggestion that there’s something wrong with us. Most of the time, even prayer when done with obsessive ritualism may uncover some anxiety that drives it. You can keep doing it and say it’s what we are supposed to do and this a good thing and normal etc. Or you can look at what underlies your defenses and escape mechanisms, and uncover the deeper anxieties which will lead you to a more wholesome life.
Indulging her behavior with more toys et al (as was suggested) and going at it blindly, *could* lead to addiction…just as anything we may resort to, to quell our fears/anxieties, you eventually need more and more of it etc.
This is just a suggestion…I want to emphasize again that seeking therapy is a means to greater self awareness and not an insinuation that there’s something inherently wrong or bad in that person.
Your advice to make marriage a priority for the very reason of finding sexual fulfilment is good. I wish you the best.
As-salaamu ‘alaikum,
I’m quite surprised at the suggestion of using mut’a or more masturbation as suggested ‘solutions.’
Why not something a lot more holistic?
You mention that you fixate more on sex when you’re not busy or content with life. Perhaps this is a hint that, if you’re not going to seek marriage anytime soon, to start exploring the world in a bit more depth.
Exercise. Pick up a new hobby. Learn a new language. Do some community service.
And most importantly, link everything you do with God. Make everything you do a form of connecting with Him and building a deeper relationship and bond with Him.
As you physically engage yourself in new activities, explore and discover how it brings you closer to Him and appreciating His blessings, His gifts, His Love.
Sister, there are many many Muslim women AND men in your situation.
While the best advice that would help you to satisfy your high sex drive would be marriage – if only for the simple fact that it would be lawful – you should be particularly careful in choosing your husband. Yes, while many men may feel threatened by a wife with a stronger sex drive, many men are more likely to be excited by this. Your ideal husband should be someone with a strong confidence level, and be up to the challenge – yes challenge – of satisfying you.
Secondly, if marriage is not on the horizon for some reason, I would agree with many of the other posts here – try spending time doing other, interesting, creative, nurturing (mind and body), activities. Engage in more Islamic activity – you may well meet the husband of your dreams there. If you are thinking about sex when you have nothing better to do, then perhaps you should challenge yourself to find amazing things to do. Engage in a lengthy study of fiqh, seerah, hadith, tafseer ul Qura’n, etc. Memorize more Qur’an. Fasting is always a good option, and was recommended by the Prophet (SAWS) himself in this type of situation.
As to the counseling issue, I agree that if your preoocupation with sex is affecting your ability to work, study, concentrate on other aspects of life, that you should seek assistance in getting to the root of your preoccupation. If it’s not making life difficult for you, then you should know that having sex on the mind is quite common and natural. But if it’s getting in the way, then there may be something more deeply rooted that you should explore and come to terms with.
Mut’a really shouldn’t be on the radar if you’re Sunni. The general consensus is that Mut’a is not permitted in Sunni theology. Even if it’s not recommended in Shi’a theology, at least it’s an option. But be careful, as it will not lead to fulfillment overall.
I’m very glad to read that you’re not willing to give in to this urge before marriage. Mashallah, as I’ve posted elsewhere, your resolve and strength are a source of Ajr and Barakah for you, and you will reap the rewards in the Akhira.
May Allah (swt) reward you for your strength, perseverance and fortitude.
I shudder to think how anybody can give advice like the two commenters. “Bring sex toys to enchnace masterbation. Astifirullah! Shame you guys. And the girl already had relationships without I guess actually having penetrative sex, but this is not the point. I can’t believe so called Muslims would write about this sort of stuff…I was so intrigued by this blog. Thought I would see “Islamically” oriented answers coming from non-scholarly sources. Boy I was wrong!
This seems to serve to excuse the people who are thinking about rationalizing their haraam (a word does not mean much here). Shy desi boy is hardly shy in any of his past claims.
Tssk… Muslims going with the follow…I wonder if swinger clubs are next for this “ummah”
(Although I did like your comments on women who have suffered through infidelity)
Jesus Christ!
I know I’m quite late, but In your attempt to try to “shame” these brothers and sisters on these threads, all you have done is make yourself sound immature and prude. Muslim people who believe in the way that you do have always intrigued me, as they do not realize that they are the reasons that the youth is leaving this religion in droves. This girl came on here with a very real issues and was honest about her situation. Regardless of whether or not you agree with her practices, it is so immature of you to think that all Muslim people practice the same way or believe the same things. All other religions, to me, seem so much more tolerant of their different sects, beliefs, and practices, than us. We seem to have the hardest time accepting diversity in out communities and want to constantly push our own views of “Halal” and “haraam” on people. Even the people on here claiming that Muta’h is haraam. While I don’t practice it, I grew up in Shi’a community that did, and while I don’t necessarily believe it to be the solution to everyone’s problems nor would I encourage my own children to do it, I find it apalling that so many Muslims claim to “know” what God “meant” or said in the Qur’an and go so far as to accuse others of doing something absolutely haraam with bad intentions, when you don’t know these people’s lives or situations! Just calm down and stop acting so pious and righteous for a second, ok? You are no saint, and communities these days make it impossible for the youth to even be young and human! (I’m saying this as a young twenty something, hijabi in the professional world). You can’t have desires, make mistakes, have friends, do anything without being attacked. This sister is being honest, and we need to give her constructive advice, as she is still virgin! At least she hasn’t gone out there and slept with the first man to give her the time of day. She is trying, and to make it that far in life and still be celibate and virgin is tough in the Western world. God bless her. And trust me, with the quality of Muslim men these days and the expectation of a Muslim woman to marry for status instead of love, it’s not wonder she’s still single. I know several successful, intelligent, career-oriented (and beautiful) Muslim women in my community ranging from mid to late twenties still single–either divorced for years or never married, because the quality of the brothers here is terrible, and when the first guy (who you aren’t attracted to or do not like for whatever reasons) approaches you about marriage, and you opt to wait for something that you know may actually last, you are being “picky” or unrealistic. Muslim women have very little options in communities these days (not many that would include happiness) in comparison to the men, and people wonder how sisters like the OP still exist. We stigmatize everything and dub everything haraam. And using Prophet Isa’s name in vain….so mature of you.
Solution to overcome or control excessive sexual urge for ordinary person lies in marriage only. Masturbation is not a solution. Apart from this masturbation diminishes persons spiritual progress Even those persons who follow spirituality intensely feel its urge. Only after intense meditation for long time when state of self realization is achieved sexual urge diminishes completely . it would also help if you will give up your non veg eating. habits.
OMG! I am SO glad you posted this. I had NO idea there were others in my shoes. I always assumed my hormones were just more active or something because all the other single girls look so calm and uninterested in getting married.
I have been struggling with this same problem for a few years now, and its affected my work and school SOO much. I used to be so ambitious and wouldnt settle for anything less, but now i just do the bare minimum required at work, people would rather not work with me because Im so disinterested, all because every ounce of my energies are being exhausted in trying to distract myself from this problem!!!
I want to get married so badly to solve this but like some said, i dont want it to be just physical, I want to actually emotionally connect with my spouse otherwise my spouse and I both will be left feeling unfulfilled, and stuck in a loveless marriage. Also if im NOT truly into them, I wont make any effort to please them, want to look good for them, etc. That happened once, a guy was once interested and i thought “yes! finally i get to have sex and have my urges taken care of!” and then I met him, i was so unattracted to him, the next day I put on sweats to go see them because I felt depressed thinking about being with him and it sucked all my femininity out of me. PLUS, i cant find anyone i actually want to touch and have touch me. A lot of the guys I have come across, we have been so incompatible, that even the thought of satisfying this desire isnt enough to make me want to marry them. Even though at times its tempting to say yes to the first guy who comes around, it doesnt take long to realize its my hormones talking and not my heart and mind.
Sometimes I wonder if sex can lead to loving that person? And maybe Im over thinking it. Maybe I should just cut to the chase and marry someone who fulfills a checklist of things on paper whether or not Im attracted, and hope that after being intimate with him, even if I have to force it at first, the love and emotional compatibility will eventually kick in?? Can someone comment on that? But I cant even get myself to do that because I want to feel something for them, even a small tiny spark or interest before I marry them. I think emotional compatibility is a huge factor as well. Its gotten so bad, that I cant even watch couples on the street, go to weddings, I cant even watch movies incase a romantic scene pops up and triggers those thoughts. I can barely even look at my own self after a shower because it just reminds me that theres no one there I can share my body with. I dont even enjoy getting dressed up anymore or looking nice because when I look good, my urges are even higher to share that with someone. I cant believe I actually typed that but its true.
Masturbation is only VERY momentary fulfillment. It most definitely hinders your spiritual progress, not to mention the guilt is unbearable plus you cant pray till you make ghusl and leads to missing prayers which makes you even more spiritually deprived and the vicious cycle continues. I feel like masturbation has made me lifeless, and even more disinterested in life. And yes, I can predict my cycle too! Its definitely way more intense closer to my period, its like I want to just grab the nearest living, breathing male and either get married to them or use them, and it takes a lot to keep myself from actually doing that. And I also know that at that intense moment I dont actually care about the person , I just want my needs met and do away with them. And yes I definitely also think when im stressed or anxious its way more. Before a deadline, thats all i can think about, even though thats the time i should be focusing the most on my project!! Its so frustrating. Its a form of escapism for sure but it most definitely is coming from an unmet need. Its one of your basic human instincts, like hunger. Married couples tell me, “oh take it easy dont be in such a rush”. But I feel its like when your fasting and starving and want to fill yourself up, you reach out for anything that will fit in your mouth, and once your full your like “man I wonder why i was so hungry to begin with”. Its the same type of thing, people who are married are fulfilled and are like , it isnt a big deal, but for a person whos starving, its a different situation.
I do agree though that any type of stress or anxiety can make it worse. I know that when I addressed the source of my anxieties, with work or relationships with friends or family, it was better, but not completely gone, just manageable. Talking to someone to help you pinpoint those anxieties or even just keeping a journal about your stress or anxiety does help. Definitely consistently learning about islam, whatever area of islam that interests you, in a group or one on one type setting helps too. And i mean consistent study, not a halaqa here or you tube there, it doesnt last long till your urges are back. Also keeping busy with anything and everything. At times its so bad and depressing for me that even though i KNOW that doing something will help, Im TOO depressed and demotivated to do anything because the only thing i DO want is impossible at that specific moment. And then i just go to sleep lol. and hope that when I wake up, i dont remember. But I know it wont fully be gone till I am married to the right person inshallah. Man if its this bad for me as a young muslim female, I wonder what guys go through since they are more “physical beings” and their urges are “supposedly” more intense than us “emotional” women who supposedly have less of a sex drive.
I pray for all the muslim brothers and sisters who are struggling in this way and striving to do the right thing to find their perfect matches, whom Allah created for them, as soon as possible, He is the Expediter and can make things come toward us as long as we keep asking Him and being patient and have hope that we will be rewarded. He is so merciful that He does not consider us to be sinning if we think or intend to sin, but we are rewarded even if we think or intend to do something good. And even if we dont do anything good, and simply stay away from the bad, we are also rewarded. So I pray all of us are rewarded.
I have felt all these things, sister, but the hunger, as you said, is exacerbated by psychological factors, like guilt, anxiety, and something that no one has mentioned yet: the view of many that sex with a man is an aspiration, the ultimate fulfillment, and “real sex” greater than masturbation. At the same time we view masturbation as a form of sex (as that is the grounds on which it is forbidden; some scholars assume that masturbation was included when discussing abstinence). These two thoughts are not only contradictory, they cause problems for Muslims pressured to unwisely marry to both attain that ultimate pleasure and banish their guilt. However, masturbation is instinctual. Animals do it, fetuses do it, and I think it’s more accurate to call it self-pleasure than categorize it as sex. I think it’s our definition that’s half the problem. It’s a release and a response, like literally scratching an itch. Once you get past the guilt -remember that many scholars and even some of the vaunted scholars of the four major Sunni schools agree that it’s acceptable when necessary- and cool down from that marriage fervor -meeting a few frogs will do that- that will help a little. I’m not knocking married sex or saying you won’t like it better, but masturbation is valuable and wholesome in itself. And you may be surprised to discover you will still masturbate after marriage! Just because! That makes some rulings seem even more nonsensical. Are you going to tell a happily married man or woman who deeply respects and loves their spouse and would never betray them that they’re sinning for taking the expedient route some mornings, when they’re not interested in sex, just calming their nerves? That is another mistake people make. Sexual arousal isn’t strictly a need for another person. During our REM sleep cycle, for example, both men and women experience arousal naturally. It’s part of the body, a natural tic that we shouldn’t assume should be sated with another person 100% of the time. This is something you have to learn that marriage won’t change. It won’t be satisfied every single time. Sometimes you have to find something else to do.
Ultimately, however, it is easy to come back to that quick gratification again and again. We are so good at distracting ourselves. Try to keep yourself busy, as many mentioned, with pursuits that interest you and fulfill you. It’s no coincidence that we want sex so avidly when we’re coming of age and feeling unfulfilled, unchallenged or uncertain in our lives, our purpose. Think about what will make you happier, whether that’s ending a toxic relationship or pursuing that career you’ve wanted. Find things that are important to you and masturbation will be a little less so, as pleasant as it is. Also, exercise! Specifically cardio. It’s great for balancing the hormones. Find something you really enjoy, swimming, dance, jogging, etc. Be aware that certain times of your life your hormones are peaking, and a high libido may be unavoidable. If you’ve just discovered your libido, expect to be overwhelmed a while. Your body suddenly has a new need and a new hunger; it would be like discovering a second nose, it’s natural to be surprised, particularly at the intensity. Probably the best tip I can give you, though? Surround yourself with people. You will find social sanction is pretty powerful. Go out with friends, family or volunteer. Get a roommate while at the same time maintaining some time and privacy for your needs; set aside a time and place for “me time.” Discipline, routine, can be reassuring, particularly since some of your anxiety and depression may abate if you’re not worried about where and when you will “take care of this problem.” If all else fails, speak to a doctor. There’s nothing wrong with a libido, but if it’s affecting your happiness, then you may consider birth control/hormone therapy as a last resort. That’s where our drive derives after all.
There is nothing in the hadith, let alone in the Qur’an that proves that masturbation is prohibited in Islam for women. As for men, it’s prohibition is asserted through hadith. Did you know hadith were not compiled until about 250 years after the Prophet’s demise? Before that it was oral tradition. There are about 7 generations between the Prophet and Bukhari, for example. This is why most of the greatest scholars in Islam admitted that solitary (Khabar al-Wahid/Aahaad) narrations attributed to the Prophet are conjectural. You already know that the Qur’an says following conjecture can never take the place of truth. Hadith only give probability of truth, not certainty, unless these hadith are Mutawaatir (broadcast) and very few hadith are Mutawaatir.
This is why extracting injunctions in Islam from hadith are highly problematic. Some scholars say it is in fact prohibited to do so! If you are going to say something is prohibited or obligatory in Islam you better have overwhelming proof, not just scanty proof based on conjecture, otherwise you run the risk of attributing to God things that are not even true, a major sin.
That being said, common sense dictates that in the absence of a mate, masturbation is a fair choice. I believe that if a woman suppresses her desires she is damaging herself spiritually, yes damaging herself. Look at nuns. Need I say anything else? Celibacy is discouraged in Islam.
If you got it, use it, otherwise you will lose it. If you suppress you will lose it and then you and your future spouse will both suffer for it.
Sayyid Muhammad Fadlullah was attacked by ultra-conservative clerics when he said that there is no evidence that female masturbation is prohibited in Islam. Google it.
Salaam brothers and sisters I would like to add that masturbation destroys the soul and takes away from your experience with the opposite sex, pls sister I emplore don’t masturbate and destroy your gift for your husband ,afterwhile he won’t be able to satisfy you and you will still be miserable.
I masturbate almost everyday and my soul is firmly intact.
Assalam alaykum,
Peace be upon all of the readers.
I would like to add something in sha Allaah in the hope it will benefit someone:
Many muslims have this same issue being from a culture, community and faith that makes sexual desire synonymous with sin often makes us very confused about what is right and wrong. We also live in an age of modernity and if you search hard enough my dear brothers and sisters you can find fatawas of arguments to support your desires. But this is the problem have any of us found ourselves in the darkness of the night seeking out hadiths or ayahs of how we should offer extrat prayer, do we ponder on how we strengthen our bond with Allaah our creator?
If any of you have been fortunate enough to study Islaam you’ll learn one thing that rings through most quranic verses and narrations of hadeeth: WE ARE BEING TESTED.
We are being tested through our desires, our families our wealth..have you not heard that the shaytaan is pursuing the downfall of son of Aadam until death
That Ibn Masoud the emninet sahabi mentioned that the believer doesnt REST until his foot is in the Jannah?
SO many people have perverted the truth of this religion, twisted, chopped and changed it to make it fit into pockets of all different sizes. Sexual desire is real, it is rampant and in an age of digital media where lewdness comes knocking at your door, an innocent movie can lead a single young men or women into the arms of evil..
I will implore every reader to ask themselves one valuable question, at the end of masturbation do you feel happy fulfilled like you can get up and pray to Allaah, do you feel on top of the world? The answer and I have counselled through issues like this more times than one can count but the answer for most people is no.
As soon as your desire has gone you actually feel depressed, how can something legislated make one feel this way.
For those who are married sexual relations I can say from experience is a beautiful thing, something to be savoured and when I have desires or my husband has desires what is more amazing than the fact that he needs me and me him. It creates a bond unbreakable, you look at this person as the one who fulfils you emotionally, physically, mentally. And if you sever this bond by granting yourself sexual gratification you will find problems. There are even articles written by non-Muslims to suggest its ill-effects and many in the Quraan.
Sister or brother who does this act, don’t risk standing before Allaah on a day of standing and being punished because you justified this for yourself. We are people and Allaah created us to sin and seek repentance. Allaah the most merciful is the one who will grace you will his mercy and vast forgiveness. But this is a SIN and it is a clear one, a clever sahabi once said you will know if something is a sin by how you feel afterwards, does it distance you from Allaah?
I know some people who persisted in this sin for years but they fought it got married and now Alhamdulilaah they are free from it and when they reflect upon those days seem them as dark ones. Don’t go fatwa shopping to suit your desires, fear Allaah, have self disclipline we live in such a sex orientated society we have lost our souls..As muslims we are to curb our desires, our eating, our speech, our whole religion is based upon moderation and not being primal.
Humans are like created creatures, so know my dear brothers and sisters. WE will sin but we must return to Allaah we must hate sin and we must acknowledge it.
This habit is an evil one, if it wasn’t it wouldn’t be a source of self shame, it wouldn’t be a secret. It wouldn’t break up families which it often does, it wouldn’t lead to men and women watching the pornography, which again a dangerous habit even non-Muslims affirm. It is haraam because of what it leads too, even causes people to end up needing more and more to become aroused and from experience many have turned to homosexual content and things of extreme sexual content. If anyone can contend this path isn’t an evil one, which degrades the self and leads to depression then surely we have entered time our beloved messenger mentioned. Where the haram becomes beautified and widespread and the halaal disappears off the earm. May Allaah protect us from this and have mercy on us, may he forgive us all. Aameen ya rabb.
This article has all the proofs Quraan..Sunnah compiled read 🙂
Click to access evilsandharmsofmasturbation.pdf
Wa3laykumussalaam wa rahmatulaahi wa baraakatu my dearest sister Hannah,
Barak Allahu feeki for sharing your message and for the website link. That website is a source of light for me…May Allah increase me, you and this ummah in beneficial knowledge.
Also jazaakillahi khairan for the manner in which you delivered your much needed advice. May Allah grant us all lofty manners and great relations.
Your sister in Islam,
Dawn
Thanks for actually admitting that you also have hormones, and not making a taboo– that it actually makes you a human! Also, I am proud of the fact you have saved yourself from haraam!
I read a Hadith where Rasuallah (Sallallaahu Allayhi Wasallam) said,The person who perform Nikah with his hands(masturbates)is cursed. A narration attributed to Anas ibn Malik. Another Hadith A narration attributed to Sa’id ibn Jubayr, Rasuallah (Sallallaahu Allayhi Wasallam)Allah Taala will inflict a punishment on a group of people because they played with their private parts.I just wanted to share this information that I researched because I too have this problem for which I am dealing with. I really appreciate everyone opinion on this subject and hope we can turn to what Allah and his Messenger say.The Quran surat 23(Al-Muminum),ayat 5&7 And Who guard there private parts, Except before their wives or those whom their right hand posess for they surely are not blameable. But whoever seeks to go beyond that, these are they that exceeds the limits.
Shocking… but why on a web site? Ok, I’m a little shy reading the above even as a previously married man. The Islamic way is marriage and the Nikah is a contract to permit sex.
Don’t fall into the career trap that that was set for women in order to maximise GDP! (masked as ‘equality’). Additionally life under Capitalism has boosted the relative cost of living through freely available mortgages and loans (sellers increase prices knowing that buyers can get loans). And it is the forbidden Ribbah (interest) which has created this high cost of living, which then likewise traps both men and women into the career trap, without which you can’t really live a comfortable life.
What you need sister is a husband who can financially support you, but if not, then surely love conquers all hardships right? and surely Allah will help those who trust in Him. With Allah’s support and help. Amin.
The simplest solution to your sex drive is to get married ,yet unfortunately the society we live in , the social media , the hip-hop culture etc , has sucked and flashed out the righteousness thinking that we are born with, it has drained the morality respect , love and understanding and replaced it with empty identity . Unless we go back to the basics there is no happiness, yet we think our small librared mind is capable of deciding what Is good for us . Had we just knew .your today tought is a result of leaving the teaching of Islam and sunnah . Nothing more nothing less . Teach your soul to subdue the thoughts that comes from different directions, your soul will keep on starving nothing can satsfy is except total submission to the will of Allah .
The hadeeth attributed to the Prophet that say masturbation is not allowed in Islam are lies. They are khabar al-wahid not mutawatir. Masturbation is good for both men and women.
As for men, there is a practice called edging which helps a man last longer in bed. It also improves the quality of his erection. Google it.
As for women, a woman is created to masturbate. Ponder on the way a vagina is created. Why would God put a clitoris all the way on top under a hood, rather than in the vagina? Why? Clearly it is for self stimulation. Lastly women who have trouble having orgasm are usually those that don’t masturbate. Masturbation for women helps a woman know her body and if she doesn’t know her own body, a man is going to know a lot less.
If she masturbates she will be able to help him help her climax much much easier.
Hannah you are very accurate on your comment we know it’s wrong but we are weak may Allah SWT make it easy for us with his divine grace.Jazakallah